i have never felt as uncomfortable as i have been feeling at the recurse-center (hereafter referred to as ‘rc’). and that’s a good thing (while being incredibly difficult to deal with).
i grew up in ‘small-name’ environments, and kept reaching ‘bigger’ names. currently, i’m a graduate-student in one of the best programs in the world for what i do, and i am here on a near-full scholarship as an international-student. as i worked — over the years — with people who went to better schools; achieved more; worked harder; et-cetera; i realized that i wasn’t too far behind.
even at itp, i work with incredibly smart people; but i am still able to hold my own. i can still contribute, and even have certain things that i am considered ‘good’ at.
however, rc is a completely different beast. i jokingly tell my itp-friends that i’m perhaps the dumbest programmer at rc, and they find that hard to believe.
but it’s true — rc brings together these incredibly talented programmers: people who’ve spent large chunks of their life in front of a computer, writing away hundreds-of-thousands of lines of code. sometimes, we discuss a problem and their brains work so beautifully in sync; at a pace where they’ve solved the problem before i’ve even registered it. debugging a piece of shader-code with jagi showed me how strong his intuition for code was — because he’s looked at (and written) so much more code than i have.
connects with some stuff that mimi & i spoke about — about putting myself in places of discomfort, because that's where the most growth happens.
similarly, at rc, i make it a point to attend all the sessions that i can; ask the stupid questions, and come off as a dimwit; watch as i walk by the corridors; silently listen to conversations while eating lunch because i pick up so much.
while i thought that my time at rc was about production (much like i wrongly thought so about itp (see my approach to itp)), i think my time is better spent absorbing (just like itp).
and yes, i am behind; i always will be. i didn’t study discrete mathematics; did programming-courses; study science; or work as a software-engineer before a.i. perhaps my programs will never be as complex as ling-dong-huang’s, and perhaps i’ll always be an outsider in the world of math & computer-science.
and that’s okay. i will still find ways to engage with this world that are unique to me; still be driven by wonder; and still produce work that is respectable to some fraction of this community (see composition 1 talk.
with love;
from a;
to a;
-a.