*Inactive since April, 2024*
5 April – ?
Emotionally hurt and attempting to recover. It'll be a while before I'm ready for publicly-accessible vulnerability again. Thanks for spending the time to check this.
28 March, 9:48 PM
Presented work at TinkerLabs and felt a little irritated. Do I desire appreciation? Or is it acceptance? I don't know, but something about my dynamics with the team doesn't click. Maybe I'm difficult to work with, that could be a possible cause.
I made a rather personal typographic sketch today. Back in college, I was known for making "emo" stuff. I think a lot of people label my work like that, which is sad. After being so fearless about my practice and understanding that there are some people who do like the work that I'm doing, I've realised that I'm not afraid to feel. That's central to my work; you think it's "emo"? Great, no one asked you to follow the work that I'm doing, stay away.
I also spoke to T today. I can feel that he needs a friend ... but I'm so caught up in my own web that it's impossible for me to be there for him. I wish I could be better, but I'm not. This is all I can offer and I'm glad he chooses to stick around.
I'll be turning in my laptop for repair tomorrow and, hence, might not be able to update this blog. Until next time :]
27 March, 2:11 AM
Exhausting day. Been working on such a repetitive task for the past one week at work, it should finally finish tomorrow. I'm so bored in my day-time job, it's extremely difficult to show up each day. Funnily enough, at 24, I wish to take a sabbatical; do my own thing for a while and just take a break. Obviously I can't afford it. I'm really failing to see how my life could improve soon which leads me down a very dark tunnel. I always manage to snap out of it, but how long can I leave the game up to chance? I'm beginning to wonder that this is the best reality that I can achieve, and I can't accept it one bit. I can feel it; the helplessness of it all, slowly bearing down on my shoulders. I anticipate that I might crack soon and I think I want to; shatter into tiny fragments that are impossible to put back.
26 March, 2:01 AM
Long day. Spent my day deep in TinkerLabs work, fought with S, walked around with N and jammed out on creative-coding with A. It feels nice to have talked to two people today, it had been so long. Having intimate, strong connections is so important for me. I do miss S, but I'm trying my best to keep it all at bay. It's not the future I want anymore.
25 March, 10:19 PM
Didn't know what to do with my time, so ended up working for most of the day. The night arrives and I realise that the 'long-weekend' has passed by. I think I'm burnt out – burnt out of this city, this house, my relationships, myself, everything. I desperately desire a break and quickly too. I'm growing more certain that I will pick up the first job offer that comes in my email, I don't have the luxury of time to wait for a better one. But I don't know .... I don't know if the new jobs that I interviewed for even excite me that much. I think I just want change. I don't know, I think I just can't seem to accept who I actually am – nothing worthwhile really; an average guy, with average talent, average personality, average everything. And I just don't know how to deal with my mediocrity. I really worked hard, you know? I really, really worked hard and nothing panned out. I also really miss climbing at BoulderBox, I think it was the one thing that helped remotely. I don't know where life is taking me, but it sure is dragging me through the mud.
24 March, 10:24 PM
Spent my day working on different things. I've realised that having the option to meet someone in-person is important to me, otherwise life becomes boring. I crave connection and conversation, it provides a break from my own head. With S gone, I don't have anyone to go out with and maybe that's important to me. Why am I trying to run away from it?
23 March, 8:33 PM
Thought about this blog and figured out a way to not let it be a
misery-filled note at the end of a day. I'm now more actively recording
key moments in the day, and using this blog to make sense out of it.
Had my final check-in with a student today. It felt good to see his
progression. I think I like helping people, and it fits all of my
buckets – I'm good at it, I have the knowledge to do it and I love doing
it. P wrote to me today, saying 'that sometimes humans also need to
hibernate'. I liked her use of words, it's true, I'm hibernating for
some time.
22 March, 9:03 PM
I don't feel good. Have had a tiring week but if I don't work, I get consumed by my unhappiness. I don't know what to do – what'll make me happy, allow me to relax. Nothing, I have nothing.
21 March, 9:56 PM
Did some complicated local to GitHub stuff for my digital sketchbook. Developers are complicated. Anyway, had a nice conversation with I today. I think it's certain that I want to move out of my current workplace but is the next one going to be better? And more importantly, do I want to move back to Delhi again? I contemplate the pros and cons. It moves me closer to climbing, that's for sure. I still wish I could move to Bangalore, but there aren't a lot of relevant jobs available for me there. I think it's time to say goodbye to Mumbai for sure.
20 March, 11:04 PM
With S gone, it feels like I have more time on my hands. Every evening is empty, and I fill it up with 'making' experiments. At the same time, the loneliness hits me when I'm idle. I wonder what the perfect life for me is – should I be 100% committed to my practice, or 100% committed to S? I haven't figured out balance as a viable option, simply because it never strikes at an optimum level. When you're not 100% somewhere, you're leaving out some percentage somewhere. Don't know yet. Gah, life is so tricky.
19 March, 1:42 AM
Arrived back in Bombay, hectic day. Conversed with Ankur about creative coding, realised I don't know what I'm searching for in my own research. But I know I'm trying to find something – what is it? I sometimes wonder whether I'll ever be at the cutting edge of anything at all.
18 March, 12:27 AM
Spend the day with S. She's my support system, it's difficult to live away from her and I end up doing stupid things. But it's okay, I guess we'll find a way.
17 March, 10:32 PM
Arrived in Bangalore, went to bed and weeped while watching Taare Zameen Par. I crave support or companionship, as little as it may be. This journey is incredibly lonely. I've been reading Days At The Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa, it seems to slow things down. I wonder what the end is. For work, I fiddled around with an idea to take video input and overlay it with some rotation.
16 March, 11:37 PM
Worked on trying to create a digital sketchbook for myself. Nothing else really, just sat through the entire day working on my computer. I don't even feel like eating meals now. Whenever I get hungry, I eat whatever I can – last night I had ice-cream for dinner. Tonight, I don't know.
15 March, 11:37 PM
'Purpose' still eludes me. I wonder about its relationship to desires, fulfilment and happiness – answers to which I don't have for myself. I'm exhausted of feeling this way and not being able to get myself out of my own misery. If there was a door that I could walk through, after which I'd be proclaimed dead, I would. But there isn't. And maybe that's the cost of life (and death) – one that I am unable to pay. Why is that? What's stopping me – what is this stubborn force that keeps me from ending it all? Is it my weakness? Is it strength? Is it me, am I still not convinced that I am of no good in this world? Gah. Miserable, that's what life is at the moment.
14 March, 8:27 PM
I couldn't get myself to do a lot today. I am reminded of P telling me that I shouldn't seek belonging from one source, and that even imagining it is an exercise in futility. I'm afraid she might have been right. Good point in my life to reflect on my needs (stemming mostly from wanting to belong in different capacities) and where all I could go to fulfil them.
13 March, 9:28 PM
Hm. S leaves the city tomorrow morning. That's it – I find myself back to being an unnoticeable blur in this city. Things have become very high pressure and I am unable to keep up with it. Job, life, creative work, relationships, expectations, aspirations, dreams. Every moment feels like this will be where it explodes but I surprise myself and put a band-aid, over & over again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, really trying, to keep myself afloat. I wonder when I'll get the strength to surrender myself to the sea. The idea appears peaceful.
12 March, 9:38 PM
Slowly teaching myself how to make music with SonicPi. I'm facing difficulties breathing lately and the inhaler that I was prescribed earlier doesn't seem to help. I hate Bombay, I hate what it has done to me physically. Once I leave, I'm never moving back here again. I feel okay, things are slow. With S moving out tomorrow, I have even more time on my hands. Why am I making it sound like her moving is a good thing? Is this a new coping mechanism?
10 - 11 March
Spent time with S. She leaves Bombay on 13th.
9 March, 12:04 AM
Watched Fairy Folk today. Seeing Abhinay's name on the screen made me feel very excited – someone I personally knew had their name on a big screen. I thought about his performance at CC Santè while returning, and how Varun had said that Abhinay has gotten so further into his art that whatever he makes now is so developed. Wondered when I'll reach that stage. Will I ever? I feel like I have so much to explore before I can even find a niche to focus on. At the moment, I'm interested in everything really and I'm not quite good at a lot of them. But that's okay – years later, some skills will develop. I made dinner after a while today and some music which ended up sounding like an action movie backtrack.
7 March, 11:42 PM
S is moving to Bangalore in six days. It's so sudden. With her gone, I'll have no one in this city. I don't know what that will feel like. I convince myself that it'll be okay, but I really do not know. I imagine it's the same for S. On the work side, I've been experimenting with shaders. I think it's a gold mine, but will take a lot of study to master. I'm up for it though – the potential sways me in favour.
6 March, 12:03 AM
Spent the day with S. After a long time, it felt like things could be normal again. I can't believe that she's stuck through all the mess that I dragged her through. It's incredible, other-worldly even.
5 March, 1:06 AM
Getting back to life. Taking just the bare minimum to handle, every additional thing feels bigger than it is.
28 February - 4 March
In Bangalore for a creative coding conference. More writing on the same to follow later.
27 February, 12:52 AM
After I play, I tend to feel empty. I think I'm starting to dislike any form of physical activity. Wow, that's a strange statement coming from someone who remained a consistent high-performance athlete for 12 years of their life. Gah, happiness – where are you?
26 February, 8:38 PM
Very on-screen day, got a lot done. I take the MIT rejection as an enabler – no goal, no place that I want to be but before me is a long, solitary road of creative exploration. It takes me where it takes me. That's one hurdle crossed. The biggest one is my dissatisfaction with life – how am I to overcome this?
26 February, 4:39 PM
Learnt a stupidly simple way to make p5 sketches responsive. On windowResize, use clear(), run the setup() again and clear all arrays by stating arrayName=[].
25 February, 11:11 PM
Sundayed.
24 February, 11:35 PM
Almost two years worth of work has today amounted to nothing. I have no clue where to go from here and, at the moment, all I am met with is rejection. It's as if I had this burning passion, outwardly zeal, that has now been crushed, crumpled and thrown away. I feel like dead weight, being pulled through the motions of a day. Breathing is cumbersome. I don't know how or when this changes. I just am, as invisible as possible.
23 February, 1:43 AM
Just a very normal day really. MIT rejection should come later tonight. Today, I wondered about the possibility of treating one's practice like a sacred space – no one takes shit against their religion. Can I build such a wall around my practice? Will it also help to treat myself with some degree of sanctity, in a way that other people's opinions don't penetrate my armour? Or is that too egoistic and self-indulgent? Don't know yet.
22 February, 12:14 AM
Made it an unnecessarily long day. I like evenings where I'm by myself. I think I'm starting to prefer my own company over anyone else's, a theme that has come up a few times in the past. Will it remain this time, or will I succumb to the eventuality of my loneliness?
21 February, 9:15 PM
Wondered a bit – has design lost its potential in my eyes, how can one be creatively inspired if they're always 'in the moment' and whether there is a way for me to evaluate my 'need states' to help build a better life. Another key realisation is whenever I put my work out for others to select or reject, their rejection hurts. But then is work supposed to be bubbled? Then why create it for other people? The last bit is a curveball.
20 February, 11:06 PM
Heavily inspired but feebly scared. Attended Nishita's talk centered around the creative inner critic. I think I've narrowed down a big trigger for my unhappiness – the lack of joy in my daytime job. It's tiresome to drag myself to office, work on meaningless projects (meaningless for me, may not be for other people), in an office space polluted with noise. It is evident that I need a change, and the unarrival of change is adding to my agitation.
19 February, 8:38 PM
An elongated lull.
18 February, 10:33 PM
Dunno, day went by. Nothing to comment on.
17 February, 12:17 AM
Another day has passed. I lie in my bed, wondering about my next step. Two years of my life went by in a mad pursuit of experimental work, resulting in no new considerable professional avenues. 730+ days of mere vanity. I don't know where to go from here. It feels like someone clawed their way into my body, ripped out my heart and tossed it away because it doesn't belong in the real world. There seems to be nothing meaningful that I can offer to the world – no task that someone else can't do better, no combination of words that haven't been written before, no difference to transform people's lives, no joy to share and no presence to give. What am I doing here? Why should I consume the Earth's resources when I have nothing to give back? The ledger of my life is turning heavier, and I'm running out of ways to pay back the debt.
16 February, 11:05 PM
I don't have anything to say to the world.
17 February, 1:38 AM
Couldn't feel anything.
14 February, 12:05 AM
Numbness. That's all I have today, and that's all I've had for a while. Each day brings diversely new activities, but my body firmly refuses to feel. I lie here, a carcass animated with life, occupying space & time; trapped in two dimensions, unable to enter more.
13 February, 1:30 AM
A big lump of existential worry that was bulldozed through to prep for my two talks tomorrow.
12 February, 11:43 PM
Hectic day. Cooked and ate dinner after almost two weeks. I'm supposed to give a couple of talks this week, and collating work has been challenging. I underestimated the amount of work I've done in the past 3 years. I wish some of it finds place in the world soon.
11 February, 12:05 AM
I think my personal creative work brings some semblance of meaning in my life. I had a bad meltdown, but then found myself lost in work till midnight. What am I doing with my life? Does my work even have meaning or am I living in a self-gratified bubble? I hope I find a professional avenue soon; the lack of it is driving me to spiral.
10 February, 12:12 AM
Feeling incredibly stuck. Possible paths are closing.
9 February, 9:36 PM
Lost in thought spirals about futures I cannot predict. Worked on some neat logic for a piece on what it's like to be in Mumbai.
8 February, 12:24 AM
Worked, made music, made art. Activities and spaces involving other people are very difficult to exist in. Each morning is a struggle to pull myself into work. I've started skipping breakfast and dinner somedays. Today was supposed to be 365 days of me and S, but I'm glad I'm pulling away. She deserves to be happy, not put up with my insane moodiness.
7 February, 12:17 AM
Learnt SonicPi, made music. I feel much better alone, convinced that people are futile pursuits. It's so much simpler right now – me and my computer, working away till I can satisfactorily call it a day. I am still plagued by my unfulfilled professional aspirations but it is seeming to pass, the helplessness is beginning to set in. I can only do so much. Can I make some music, call it a night and smile? No, smiling is still a distant activity. But I like the silence, the peace of being alone in my room at midnight, knowing that I'm untethered in this universe; that I can choose to stay or go without worrying about its implications on anyone else.
6 February, 10:56 PM
The first ray of sunlight that hits my face brings utter disappointment. Crap, I survived another night. I go about the workings of my day, doing everything with high precision, and ending up with only hollow emptiness. It is night now and I find myself in bed, desperately wishing that this night doesn't turn to day again.
5 February, 10:29 PM
Fuck it.
4 February, 11:54 PM
Disappointed, at myself and with the world. I chose the wrong paths, spending abundant time chasing the wrong things. Will the artist in me survive, or will I fall prey to a money-making lure? I wish for a way to sustain the joy of making, peacefully; but the inexistence of such a path makes me question the foundation of what I'm doing with my life. Argh, why aren't things working out for me yet?
3 February, 1:42 AM
Increasingly feeling like a worthless bag of wasted matter.
2 February, 9:07 PM
There are so many facets of single-adult life. I'm overwhelmed. I have no ability to maintain a healthy balance between them, ensuring some success in all of them. It is infuriating that life cannot be a tunnelled journey into my work; that I have to worry about money, health, recreation, balance and all the other human absurdities. The pressure of a stable future is really getting to me and my will to exist slowly diminishes with each passing day.
1 February, 12:04 AM
Many parts of the day wholly spent in finishing a project. I'm obsessed with writing code, making & documenting. Putting this after the previous entry also makes me wonder – do I drown myself in work to stay sane when times are bad?
31 January, 10:25 PM
Intense self-loathing, situation-blaming and people-cussing.
30 January, 12:04 AM
Got accepted into the Fabrica residency today. It felt good, almost positively overwhelming after my constant run of rejections. It was a big moment, but somehow I didn't have anyone to celebrate it with. Or, rather the few people that I wanted to celebrate this small-win with weren't there. Still a lot of thinking to do about my future. Met Anusheel with S today. He's a passionate guy, with differing views on a lot of things because of his experience and inexperience. Let's see if a fruitful collaboration works out. Over the last few weeks, I've been making incremental progress with work. This is a strong reminder that things will work out, eventually, in due time.
29 January, 11:15 PM
Decent day. Nothing monumental. One step closer to my data visualisation project – figured out how to make containers using matter.js today.
28 January, 11:35 PM
Spent the day with S and learnt matter.js. I like that I have time to work on slightly longer projects – figuring out javaScript to add a row of tags on my work page, learning matter.js for a data visualisation project that I've thought about since October 2022. Things will happen, Arjun; just be patient. Patience, that's an old-person word. I don't have any activities in this city, apart from work, that can make me happy. I miss climbing, walking, going to old bookshops, attending talks. I miss Bangalore. When I was applying for the MIT Media Lab, Pratyush said, "their loss if they don't take you". I'm starting to disbelieve that statement, I've had so many rejections in the past month that the idea of my inflated merit is beginning to disappear. I want to keep doing things that make me happy, that's my only way out.
27 January, 10:48 PM
Simple weekend. Played sport, worked, made food, wrote, talked to a friend, watched TV. It'll be okay, Arjun. Hang in there.
26 January, 11:55 PM
Chilled and watched a lot of Shark Tank today. I haven't heard back from MIT so I think that's a bust. I'm beginning my journey to come to terms with it. Not being good enough to even be considered is starting to take its toll on me.
25 January, 9:53 PM
Did enough. The uncertainty of my future is killing me, since decisions are in the hands of other people. Got rejected from a bunch of jobs, wondered whether I made a mistake to be unabashedly me or grossly underestimated my value. Ashwath once told me that my journey is about making peace with mediocrity, a notion that I passionately argued against. I'm beginning to wonder that maybe he was right – for the last 14 years, I've been stuck in the "you-have-potential" trap. I think I'm chasing the wrong things, some of the older people in my life were probably right. Can I chase intrinsic things? My journey then is to uphold the value of intrinsic things, more so than that of extrinsic things. Crap, how do I do that now?
24 January, 9:28 PM
Got back to work, decent day. Wondered about my Substack newsletter – should I continue, do I want to continue, does it require an evolution? Don't have an answer yet.
19-24 January, 11:16 AM
Attended Tanwi's wedding in Pune. Wondered about what kind of wedding I'd have, if I were to ever have one. The idea of marriage scares me, because stability in a relationship seems to be a distant aspiration. Each day is either filled with fragrant roses or burns to ashes with flames from fiery hell. Some days are a reminder for me to not rush into things, like I have always done. I wonder whether there'd be a perfect time at all. I wish I existed in a cocoon; not letting anyone in and interacting only as much as needed. Alas, that is not the case – I'm too out in the open and battles have caused scars on both sides. I was better off contained.
18 January, 11:25 PM
Sleepy. Been a long day, looking forward to some sleep. I find myself enjoying work, irrespective of what I'm doing, if I'm able to focus. Even the slightest noise distracts me. I wonder whether focusing in noise is an ability I should actively start pursuing.
17 January, 1:16 AM
Worked a lot, finished two big tasks. Feeling good about myself.
16 January, 11:32 PM
Got pretty consumed by work today, forgot to eat dinner. I'm angry at my house-help, she rarely shows up on time, making my schedule dependent on her schedule. I wonder whether her reasons are genuine and every few weeks, when I express my concern, she says she's solved the 'problem'. I've now grown skeptical – should I trust her or intervene myself and try to figure out a solution with her. This makes the incident an interesting thought starter – at what point is a person ready to accept help, after they've tried their own ways and failed? What stops my house-help, is she thinking that I won't be able to empathise with her or that I won't be able to come up with something that she hasn't already tried? Writing this brings me some clarity – I'm going to probe into the problem tomorrow, ask her for the actual problem so that we can figure out a way together. Let's see if she trusts me.
15 January, 10:06 PM
Started working on the premise that was (still is) supposed to be my graduate study premise, already anticipating my rejection. I think it's my way of preparing for what's about to come and, maybe, I'll be okay by the time it does (because I would have already made peace with it). Now that my graduate application has been sent out, I feel more at ease, as if time isn't running out for me to get where I want to. I think I'll make it, somewhere atleast, doing unique things that people recognise me for. After my application, my pursuit has been to be slow & present – two things that I have rarely been able to be. I enjoy timeless pursuits for a change.
13 January, 11:09 PM
Met a lot of people but can't say they were quality conversations. Is it nice merely to catch up about trivial things? But what else could I expect, considering that I stay away from them most of the time. How much can you pack into a couple of hours of meeting? Missed S. Also realised that I prefer colder weather. A little bit of fat has started to accumulate in my belly and I don't like the way it feels. It makes me feel that somewhere I've failed. I'm trying to get back into shape though. I keep maniacally checking my email for an update on my MIT application. I don't know how I feel about it – do I have the slight hope that I'll get an interview or am I excitedly waiting for the rejection that will send me into an existential spiral? Sometimes I wonder if I like being defeated by tough challenges, a masochistic fetish that I may have cultivated over the years. Yuck.
12 January, 1:24 AM
Had a long day. Realised I judge people too fast, while older people are more reserved with their judgement. Then took a good class, I'm proud of myself for that – I instructed well, I brought in energy and created conversation. Then met Atreyo & Kriti, spoke about design. Was worried about bumping into Alina, thought about Sumeet. Came back tired.
11 January, 11:26 PM
Saw a lot of conversations today on a 2-hour train ride after going to drop S. People fighting, resolving, understanding, misunderstanding, discussing, planning, joking. So much of life is spent talking to other people, exploring their experience of life. It's a rather pretty system, everyone goes an ambiguous experience that is so contrastingly different from one another that each new perspective is a version of the truth, or a permanent temporary truth.
10 January, 10:53 PM
No particularly interesting thoughts.
09 January, 10:43 PM
Did a lot today and wondered about how I can structure my life around learning. I've arrived at the conclusion that it has to be a mix between structured & unstructured learning, the structured bit being the one to crack. I also have to travel to Delhi in 2 days, a reality that I'm not quite comfortable with. However, I forced myself to only stay for 2 days so that I don't have time to meet a lot of people. Let's see how it goes.
08 January, 9:56 PM
Sakina surprised me yesterday night by showing up at my place. Hung out with her. I like spending time with her. I also realised I've fallen in love with someone – never before have I ever thought of spending all my free time with a single person.
07 January, 12:04 AM
Wondered about dispassionate people – how do people go about their lives without ever being consumed in the pursuit of something? I figure that they must be passionate about some thing, just not academic things. Then, in that case, why do people admit themselves to institutes devoted to learning? Strange, the people who crave learning are outside of school while the ones inside are bored of learning.
06 January, 9:51 PM
Been facilitating workshops over the last 3 days, tomorrow's the last one. I've finally figured out a way for reluctant students to put down wacky ideas on paper – use authority to give them a task of achieving a near impossible number of ideas using a method that displays freeness (mind-mapping), in an "amused" state. It has worked well for me once, and I'm excited to try it again, this time with a group of even more reluctant students. I also heard my coworkers state that I'm unbelievably consistent with my personal creative work and I had no reason for them – I simply said, I can't sleep otherwise. I feel like a manifestation of Charles Bukowski's poem, "So You Want To Be A Writer?". Lastly, I've understood that I hate a lot of masala in my food and I like the bland-er food I make at home.
03 January, 11:34 PM
In Indore for work today. Been collaborating with Shobhan virtually a lot recently, and he has pushed me to think differently about my "code as a creative medium" course. I have enough work lined up for all of January. I also have a sick tummy which I hope will get better by tomorrow, otherwise I anticipate a hard time, trying to facilitate full-day workshops. Also started reading Beyond Good and Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of the Future by Friedrich Nietzsche. Made me wonder about egoistic, convinced men.
02 January, 2:24 AM
Had a game in the night. I don't think playing in the night is a good option, considering that I'm trying to enforce a routine in my life.
01 January, 10:59 PM
The world has clarity on how they wish this year to go. I feebly have questions, hypotheses, experiments and a mess of words that demand synthetic ability that I do not possess at the moment. Here is a beginning to my explorations in 2024 – a year that I imagined drastically differently, four years ago.
31 December, 02:04 AM
Spent the day with S. The beginning of the year was overwhelming, something that I did not expect.
30 December, 10:36 PM
Woohoo! Finished all the work I had planned for the weekend. No new thoughts particularly; I'm struggling with a lot of mosquitos in my house. Need to find a good way to keep them out. Also watched "Kho Gaye Hum Kahan" – no strong opinions, just an "eh" film. It was well shot but the storyline lacked grip. The end was also a little preachy in my opinion.
29 December, 9:10 PM
I find myself with a mountain of work to complete over the weekend. The goal is to tactfully get most of it done tomorrow, whilst having a little bit of time to unwind and relax. Will this be possible? I don't know. Work is starting to seem like an unwanted burden but what else am I supposed to do, I desperately need my job. I can only hope to strike a better balance, to not let it consume my creative aspirations.
28 December, 11:54 PM
I feel a little low today and it's not a single reason, but an array of them. I've realised that sleeping for longer helps and I plan to get in a run tomorrow morning to kick-start my day. I also read up a little bit on livecoding and I'm interested in the possibilities that could arise by using algorithms to generate music & visuals. Maybe a possible learning endeavour for 2024.
27 December, 11:18 PM
Very thoughtful day. I wondered about why I clash with strong personalities – something that has been on my mind for a while now. I have two hypotheses – one being that I lack conviction in my own points. Maybe my base isn't strong enough; but that can't be true because I mentor and guide well enough. And I'm not poorly read. The next possible reason is because I'm afraid of defeat, my point versus your point and I lose, you win. Is that it? I haven't figured this interaction out yet – how do I put forth my thoughts amongst people with strong thoughts who aren't willing to budge? I also feel creatively suffocated but I have no way out yet. I hope I get to be in a more creative, liberal and experimentative space soon. Trying to get sleep & exercise back into my life, let's see how long that lasts.
26 December, 2:04 AM
Long day. Hung out with S in the evening and played football later at midnight.
25 December, 11:13 PM
It was Christmas today. I listened to an Andy Williams song, worked, made pasta and watched a Hugh Grant movie; all before 11PM. I'm hoping to add a little bit of slowness to my life, living the moments I otherwise frivolously spend. Today is a day where I find myself peacefully smiling, comforted by warmth even amidst the horrible Bombay weather. I also got to know about someone who lost their job today in a company-wide layoff. It forces me to re-count my blessings, and to be more accountable with what I have.
24 December, 12:54 AM
Had fun in Goa. Came back, cleaned and moved back into my work zone. I have a lot to do but I'm in no rush to finish things. Little things everyday – I'm trying to embody this aphorism now. I will find ways, I will strike balance and I will be on the path of who I want to be. Call this peaceful optimism, if you will :)
19 December, 5:02 PM
Leaving for Goa today. Won't update this blog for the new few days, leaving behind my computer.
18 December, 6:33 PM
Thought about making music, explored all possible branches after my MIT application, read a good chunk of When Breath Becomes Air. Reached Mumbai.
17 December, 11:14 PM
Curled up in bed, watching a football match; I think I've forgotten how to relax. If I get enough sleep, I'll go out into the city tomorrow and walk around.
16 December, 12:17 AM
Day was chaos, night was standstill. I just want to be, breathe, and sleep.
15 December, 1:15 AM
I'm in Visakhapatnam today, to take a 2-day long workshop at IIM. I feel a little rattled about the deck that I'm using tomorrow, only because I've made a lot of changes to what it was. I hate not knowing what's going to come next as a presenter. I also lost my Garmin watch today, an event that hurt badly. That watch was a consistent part of the starkly variable last 5 years of my life. It's weird, I can't even picture myself as myself from 5 years ago. 18-year-old-me would hate the 23-year-old-me. Even the 23-year-old-me hates me. I gravely underestimated adult life. I wish I was 18 again, wearing my Garmin watch and running around on hilly trails into the sunset, chasing a new personal record. Maybe that's another thing that has escaped my life – chasing physical betterment every day. I would like to start running again.
14 December, 1:46 AM
Tiring day today. A lot happened – had a fun team Christmas lunch, submitted my MIT application, cleaned my house afterwards, got rid of unused junk, packaged memories that needed preservation, cleaned my fridge, played football, packed for my 4-day long work trip tomorrow, and asked to take the next week off from work. Whew, time to get some breath back into my body. I'm looking forward to this break :)
13 December, 11:32 PM
Had a difficult time facilitating a workshop today – it's very hard to do so with intellectuals. I like students more. This one was exhausting. It might also be fatigue, something that I feel has been accumulating for some time. Tonight, I'm switching off my computer early. I'm going to clean up and read a book in bed. Time to take a little bit of a break.
12 December, 2:27 AM
Well, here we are dear computer – you & me till the end of the world. People are just disappointments waiting to happen. I can't crack it, the code to be happy with people. Fuck people. I also finished all my graduate writing for MIT today. Sat for long hours and got it done.
11 December, 2:23 AM
It feels like I'm going to puke. The application to MIT has been such a consuming journey and I've given it disproportionately more, when compared to my chances of getting in. This is going to result in a glorious, embarrassing defeat and I wonder why I made it a public affair. I could have applied and gotten rejected in secret, but now that I think about it, it would have been impossible to hide it from the people that know already. It really took over my life, I hope it gets a good look atleast. I think I have a fair chance if I get to interview with them and I desperately hope that's the case. A no-interview rejection would be tough to handle.
10 December, 12:35 AM
Deep work in the first half and mindless hanging out in the second. Today, I asked two people why they liked hanging out with other people, even though most of the talking done is trivial. They said it makes them happy and 'de-stresses' them by providing a different day than usual. Strange, I would have rather spent that time alone making something or doing anything else really, but alone. Have I just become habituated to living like this or do I actually enjoy it? I don't know. I do like spending time with S though. But would I want to spend all of my hours sharing space with another person? I don't know that yet. I guess we'll figure it out when we get to it – people usually find corners of solitude where they can just be by themselves, even if they're living with another person. That's my best guess at the moment.
09 December, 1:46 AM
I think I work better when external deadlines are close. Wrote my final MIT statement & essay drafts today, nervous to see if reviewers find it shit. Agh, such a difficult one to crack but I'm sure I'll do it. Just wanted to get this over with. I also cleaned my house today, I feel ready for the week that is about to come. Final week before MIT applications go in. Thank god it's going to be over soon.
08 December, 2:32 AM
Whew. What a day. I've just managed to write down my drafts for the graduate applications at MIT. This is now my 25th draft overall. I think I realised what I did wrong the last 24 times – I dived into it, but not enough. Tonight, my living room walls are covered with post-its and there are more mind-maps around me than I remember creating. This was the missing piece, I think. I just had to dive deep. I feel happy and light.
07 December, 1:45 AM
Today, I thought about my need to make which takes over almost everyday. I've realised that it's not about creating the perfect piece, but about making tiny discoveries along the way. For example, recently, I've found a way to use WEBGL to generate outputs that seem like shader outputs but they're technically not (example here). It took me about 4 days of messing around to arrive at a concrete concept, that I can now use willingly. I think that's what I enjoy, making up new techniques to add to my visual arsenal, that I can employ when the use-case presents itself. I've also been thinking about working a little bit with data. Let's see how that turns out. I also worked out today, by the way of a small experiment that I'm running this month. Let's see how this pants out as well. Quite a lot of trying, experimenting – being in touch with the researcher that I always have been.
06 December, 1:20 AM
Spent time with S, mostly having difficult conversations. I wonder how to stop letting my past affect my future. Relationshps are difficult, risky and require courage & vulnerability. I feel weak in comparison to her.
05 December, 12:22 AM
Attended Ikroop's lecture where she talked about storytelling, using her illustrations & comic-book-writing work as examples. She answered one of my questions about her reinforcing streotypes through her work by highlighting differences between strereotypes and archetypes. Interesting zone to look into – can I use archetypes to communicate my stories better?
04 December, 12:48 AM
Nothing's working.
03 December, 12:06 AM
I did so much, yet I sit here with utter emptiness. My inadequacy for every little thing is consuming. It feels like I'm Laika, looking out into infinite nothingness in a man-made object progressing through space. All that changes is time and space but the feeling remains consistent, surrounding you like an unwanted embrace that you cannot hope to escape.
02 December, 12:10 AM
Today, I thought about loneliness. Somehow, people believe that loneliness is simply a matter of physical absence. It's not. It's about this journey that someone is on; or in my case, the journeys that I am on. They are so incredibly lonely – doing work that no one understands, being fascinated by things that others find mundane, feeling complexity where others perceive simplicity, surrounded by air that you've let out. It is so incredibly lonely that I wish to separate myself from this collection of wool, to be a stray thread floating around in the wind. I think I was a mistake, destroying the perfect balance that the world could have been in without my tiny presence. It's a mistake, trying to think I belong with the other threads. They're a perfect bunch, lovely to admire from afar.
01 December, 3:32 AM
For me, a big part of my journey is to be able to deal with difficult situations in healthy ways. Right now, I'm barely able to deal with them; let alone do it in ways that don't hurt other people. Decided to start graduate writing from scratch, I think I almost forgot how to mind-map. Strange, I've been out of practice with something that came so naturally to me before.
30 November, 1:37 AM
Couldn't reflect. Busy day.
29 November, 12:37 AM
Realised that my graduate application writing needed more honesty. Did something nice for someone and realised that doing nice things for other people makes me feel pleasant. Also thought about kindness today – can the world throw you thorns but you treat them with tenderness?
28 November, 12:43 AM
Things were calm today. As I write this, I can hear the sound of the ceiling fan, the clickety-clack of the keyboard keys and the sound of silence that surrounds me. I am here, I am present and I think I needed this day amidst the storms. I wish to be calmer in my life.
27 November, 12:43 AM
Good end to the week, did everything that I wanted to except watch a silly movie in bed. Maybe I'll do that now, or maybe it'll carry forward to the next week.
26 November
Didn't write. Was with S.
25 November, 1:05 AM
Reflective day today. Realised my growth as a facilitator, what facilitation actually means, and my lack of composure in relationships. Listened to a Jagjit Singh song that I used to listen to at my grandparent's house. No matter how much I deny the existence of the paternal side of my family, the truth is that I still hold on to those relationships, even without saying a single word to them. I only have 4 playlists on Spotify – one is titled "dad's" and the other, that I made today, is titled "dada-dadi ke ghar ke gaane" (the songs in my grandparent's house).
24 November, 12:32 AM
I had a super day today. Facilitated a successful workshop at work that I didn't anticipate to be successful, finished my two writing pieces for graduate admissions, made a new recipe and cleaned the kitchen after having warm food. And it's not even 12:30! I am going to call it a day – brush, curl up with a good, easy book and speak with S. I have earned this long weekend.
23 November, 3:01 AM
If something makes me happy during the day, I am able to flow better in my work. Gloominess usually leads to forced work, which can be seen in the quality of work that comes out at the end. I need to start actively choosing happiness somehow.
22 November, 1:43 AM
Realised that honesty & authenticity are two big values that form who I am, professionally. I'm not going to morph my words, work and personality just to be accepted into a community. A lot of people in the world do that, and they will probably get to better places faster than me; but at the cost of their integrity, which is too high a price for me to pay. That's all I need to be – honest, with myself and my pursuit of graduate studies, a professional community and respect in the industry. Time to put my head down and work, without making every rejection the center of my life. Every day alive feels like an achievement.
21 November, 1:21 AM
Difficult day. Everything is crashing down. Hope is dwindling. Not feeling great.
20 November, 1:05 AM
Had fun writing a computer program to paint with the body. The thought came to me while walking, but I know it is also connected to Levin's work that I saw last night. I move from ideas very quickly and right now, I'm in a space where I find myself in abundance of them. Everything seems to intrigue my wonder ... I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm easily excited and impatient. I'm still young.
19 November, 12:51 AM
Had a good day. Swam, wrote, ate good food, walked, studied and worked on my painting algorithm in the night. I've realised that two things bring me joy for sure – sports and silent walks in the night. I think I need to start surrounding myself with more things that bring me joy. Or atleast have a way to do one thing that I feel happy about at the end of the day. That is it for me, to feel happy for atleast one thing at the end of a day.
18 November, 10:26 PM
Played a lot. I like playing badminton. Did not do any work, and won't reflect as well. Goodnight.
17 November, 1:35 AM
I've realised that I probably won't be able to pursue graduate education. I'm not good enough to secure appropriate funding. The path ahead seems murky to me – I don't know what the best places are for me to apply to (for study / work), whether something good will come out of my relentless creative pursuit, and whether I'll ever be able to live out my days happily. Everything is a big-hot-mess. Ambiguity about the future makes me unstable. I will read to calm myself down.
16 November, 1:07 AM
Today, the "littlies" through the day felt celebratory. I worked, smiled, taught, napped, cooked, cleaned, and made; while all I wanted to do, since the moment I woke up, was stay in bed. Pat on the back, hug to myself and a feeble smile to call it a day. I did okay.
15 November, 12:14 AM
Not feeling great and, to make matters worse, I don't know what'll make me feel great. It's as if I don't know myself at all, biding away time in a stranger's body.
14 November, 12:23 AM
Today, I realised I spend a considerable amount of my income on ordering food online. Life just doesn't seem to stabilise. One after the other, problems galore. How much longer till I can choose the problems that I want to tackle? Made a self-portrait today, it feels like I'm running out of will.
13 November, 12:39 AM
I feel empty. Again, I did a lot today yet nothing seems to be of value. What is value to me? I don't know yet. Ordered and had chole bathure today, missed home.
12 November, 12:49 AM
I was a good boy today. Finished my duties as an adult, a partner, a son and a creative practitioner. I also realised that I will not survive in a loud environment. I need silence and space.
11 November, 1:48 AM
Slow day. Life feels like a lull. Made a film to express how I'm feeling. I can't recall what makes me happy anymore. No matter how hard I try, all I feel is momentary joy. The little things feel too little, and what I seek I do not know. I can't generate appreciation. Maybe it's just a bad day , atleast I desperately hope it is.
10 November, 1:00 AM
I just 'was' today, a day came & went by. Nothing monumental achieved or lost. Felt at peace. I'm okay.
09 November, 12:25 AM
Emptiness fills me as I think about the passed day – I haven't done anything at all, which is absolutely untrue. I worked, made this website public, cooked, ate & cleaned. Yet, it is emptiness that I sit with. The lotus in today's mud was reading a silly paperback under sunlight. It felt peaceful, relaxing even. My graduate applications are crippled by my fear of not being good enough. At the moment, I'm just waiting for the deadline to come closer. I think that I may not be ready for a competitive graduate program.
08 November, 1:45 AM
Finished my portfolio down to the last detail. Put it up everywhere. I realised that I am the kind of person who needs to finish something and move on, otherwise it keeps interfering with other work and my attention is split. Going to start finishing all the pending stuff, quality or no quality, and moving onto other things. Been stuck on one thing (graduate applications) for too long. Time to move on.
07 November, 2:15 AM
Today, I felt restless which manifested in my 17 hour screen time. That's insane. I'm scared my laptop will get fried again, which is not a new occurrence. I've started getting allergies and migraines. Mumbai hasn't been kind to me. I wonder when I'll be able to get out of this city, this country, this life. Am I an escapist? Do I sink my feet into the sand and take the fight head on or leave in the hope of ease?
06 November, 1:57 AM
The epitome of "stayed in bed and tried to rest".
05 November, 10:31 PM
I hate being sick. Stayed in bed for most of the day, S came to take care of me, felt like a child. Missed mum a little bit. Tried working but just couldn't get myself to. Absolutely unproductive day. Hope I get better soon. Restarted my newsletter today, that counts as a small win.
04 November, 12:26 AM
Fell sick again. I don't even understand my body anymore. I'm weak, feverish and frustrated. Whenever I try to get my life back together, some absolute bullshit happens. Need to get out of Mumbai.
03 November, 1:03 AM
Went to a Diwali party with S. Too tired to reflect. Liked spending time with S.
02 November, 2:15 AM
Had difficult conversations with mum. S has been there through thick & thin, I should honour that relationship more. I haven't worked on the application this week and it's unlikely that I'll work on it over the weekend also. Surprisingly, I'm not guilty. I've bought myself time and the liberty to do it at my own pace. Need to start sleeping on time again; every time I fix it, something messes it up again. I'm okay.
01 November, 1:47 AM
The best part about today was holding a baby. I feel surreally connected to babies. Had a topsy-turvy day, felt socially isolated and applied for a competition in an expensive attempt to find validation. I predict there'll come a time when I'll reject or embrace external validation. At the moment, I paddle towards whatever buys me temporary peace. The fluctuation isn't healthy for the discovery of my identity. Or can it be?
31 October, 1:11 AM
Did all my tasks today like a diligent boy. Thought about the difference it'd make if I lived or died, during lunch. Couldn't arrive at anything. Life feels meaningless if you equate it to other people. Gave up some sleep to be there for S in the night. Felt a tiny bit proud & selfless.
30 October, 12:42 AM
Had a good day until the night. Helped a person, spoke to a few people and danced in the kitchen. A conversation with P in the night destroyed the constructed happiness. I feel under-equipped, short of something – the details of which I can't figure out. Why do I feel the need to meet people's expectations?