i find myself losing track of my past as i grow up, and choosing to omit details in conversations. so, these are the major events that i can recall, before i moved across the world to begin a new chapter in my life:

born in srinagar. dad in the army; mum left her dreams for the family. joyous child, non-cribby, active, chubby is what i'm told. move around — city after city — following dad. play football, see someone receive an award for playing football, decide to win that award myself. win it. mum & i stay back in delhi; i play for youth-teams and she restarts her career. dad keeps moving.

start getting recognised, live like an athlete, and say no-s throughout middle school. mum & i often fight; grades suffer; i only care about football. the words — you're not a prodigy — keep bouncing around; i become desperate for attention & recognition. act out; get medically diagnosed with adhd.

girls give me attention; i use it. date; dump; play with feelings; turn into an asshole without realising it. argue; get thrown out of classes; fight; get beaten up; i play football, sometimes for >4 hours a day, but win lesser & lesser awards around better players. i'm a teenager now.

dad shows up with a parental epiphany; decides i'm ruining my life; bans football; moves me in with himself to drill-in military discipline. cry; break trophies; tear jerseys; nothing changes. i am now in a small town in madhya-pradesh; this school doesn't even have a football team. mum now lives by herself in delhi.

live by a routine; get 30-minutes a day to operate my phone; get forced out of bed at 8am on sundays. i'm unhappy. we have a dog; i talk to the dog. keep seeing dad revered; he tells everyone that i'll turn out better. mum & dad meet less often; i don't know why.

get better grades; enjoy studying; exercise; own a 'physique'. i don't have many friends.

it is summer; the family decides to climb a mountain together. dad ridicules mum, mum reacts; suppressed issues rise up; they fight; they separate. we don't reach the summit. i like dad more, live with him and don't talk to mum as such.

high school; study numbers; begin to realise that i'm decent at many things. spend summers in mountaineering schools; meet older people; observe mid-life crises; read thoreau; climb peaks; nearly die, survive. find friends; get into a relationship; watch sunsets with the dog. feel lonely.

aptitude tests suggest design; decide to pursue it in delhi. mum & dad get divorced; they had been waiting, i was told; i live alone.

learn & make things in the day; climb & train in the evenings. i rarely have skin on my fingers, and wear cargo pants to college. i have a girlfriend; i've had sex. everything is romanticised; art is beautiful; i can express.

fall; break; get lost; decision-paralysis. climber or designer? romantically commit? worthy? good enough? future? past? make decisions; find people; lose people; make many, many things.

covid.

let go of climbing; commit to design. i now want to be the best. burn bridges; ruin friendships; speak to my computer; move out. i now work, sometimes, for 16 hours a day.

move to bangalore; work with science & art; considered "smart"; dream of studying at mit.

move to mumbai; i now want to change the world and go to mit after a year. work with behaviour design, research, and impoverished people. earn money; spend money. fall in love; face demons. get rejected from mit; break down. attempt suicide; fail. i am now labelled by mental health professionals. decide to get out.

move to gurgaon; i just want to do impactful work. gurgaon doesn't suit; move out. decide to move in with my girlfriend; i can't live alone anymore.

move to bangalore; scared. it's happy for a while; then it isn't. the past explodes; i move out; we break up. we try, fail, cry, end. i can't move on. breathe, despite trying otherwise. life slowly claws back. i have a hole, but i have other ones filled. good work finds me; i evolve. get into nyu.

leave.