0143: the semester’s over.
i made 4 presentable things this semester. it’s not enough — whatever i did was not good enough.
as a (rather colorfully-termed) ‘alien’ in this country, the pressure to do big things is huge. i envy the americans — people who don’t have to worry about having to return back to a third-world country: a failure, a disgrace. i envy their freedom, the lightness with which they operate in this world — the luxury, of being an artist.
i often have to remind myself to be true to my own curiosity; to keep trying; to understand that the outcome is not in my hands.
that it is okay to fail; if i have tried.
that no one will be harsher to me; than i already am to myself.
that people will instead be kinder; and sympathize.
0155: a post-it goes up on my wall. it says “winning is not your job”.
i have to write myself reminders (like this one)
my eyes go to others; they say:
be kind to yourself, arjun.
it’s ok to enjoy, arjun.
one just says:
shhhh.
breathe. you’re ok; it’s ok.
thanks to david rios & shloka today; and all the other professors who’ve helped me navigate my existentialism this semester: shawn, dan-o, mimi, tom, tanika williams, phil, ian cox.
matt, ryan; for noticing early on.
sakina, shikha, mum for trying.
student-health-center, nausheen.
i am pretty sure that i will run to these folk again & again, over the course of my time here.