spoke with sonali. realized i was more confused than i thought.
words:
finding my footing;
what even is good enough?
ai ai ai ai ai ai. the world is moving towards this thing, and leaving behind this thing that i love. things seem so grim. maybe aram was right — maybe i’m too stuck up in the past, and holding on too tightly to what i think it should be. maybe this is the repercussion of being ‘idealistic’.
sonali warned me about the extent of capitalism in this country; perhaps europe might be a better: she says. it’s so confusing — everyone gives different takes.
how will i survive on this earth? i flew across the world; on gifted money that other people hard-earned; at a time when the president of the country goes against the arts (and other disciplines at large).
i do everything humanly possible: i’ve spoken at conferences; i’ve exhibited; i’ve produced decent work; i’ve pushed myself. i haven’t taken a break in a while. i’m collaborating. i’m trying. i’ve taught; worked; produced.
i like that i’m uncomfortable. i hate the anxiety; but i like that i’m probably one of the most dim-witted people here. i’ve not felt like i wasn’t good in a while. was itp a bubble? a privileged bubble? or are the folk at rc just immensely talented? or am i comparing apples to oranges?