thinking about s 1; watching mulaqat; worrying about housing; feeling the loneliness; wondering if it’ll all be worth it; whether i’ll be able to make a good thesis; whether i’ll end up alone; whether i’ll find someone; whether i’ll go crazy; whether i’ll make it out; whether i’ll make it in.
anxiety; anxiety; anxiety — it’s back.
sleeplessness; sleeplessness; sleeplessness — it’s back.
you’ll never let my life be; will you? just another reminder that it’s always going to be hilly; that there is always a valley before a peak (so that your ungrateful soul can acknowledge the fucking peak).
in the puzzle of ethics, buddhist ethics ask people to ‘let go of desires’ and essentially live a life without pleasure. gosh, so inhuman. perhaps enlightenment is unachievable.
i wonder what the alternative is then. pain; anguish; a persistent feeling of incompleteness? what an awry existence.
everything is just difficult. progress is slow — i don’t even know if i’m progressing. i am; i am. why isn’t that enough?
you have a complete life, arjun. every moment is complete in itself. why do you choose to live feeling the emptiness of what you don’t have, in contrast to the fullness of things you do.
things are okay. writing helps. goodnight.